Epidemics

Manhattan Woman Victim of Long Itis

By AKIKO BUSCH

Published: July 26, 2005

MANHATTAN, New York-- Hours after being admitted to Bellevue Hospital, an Inwood woman's initially vague symptoms revealed a serious and fully developed case of a rare condition known as Long Itis. Corina Thompson, a 26 year old Arizona native, now faces a future filled with uncertainty, perceived isolation, and a craving for salad and "are-inge-iz."

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Ruth Fremson - The New York Times

Corina Thompson, a former WCC intern, once considered herself a "healthy, active, boy-crazy twenty something."

Ms. Thompson's heart-felt request

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Long Itis, which is rarely found west of the FDR, is unfamiliar to many in the city. Joe, the cute med student in Intensive Care, explained, "at first, I thought it was a joke...'longitis'...cuz she's tall." However, Long Itis is no joke. According to Dr. H. Pat Kew, a Holistic Laryngologist specializing in Brooklynitis, Jerseyitis, and Islanditis (specifically of the Statenitis and Longitis variety), common symptoms include the following:

-Mumbles bizarre acronyms like L.I.E. and L.I.R.R.
-Demonstrates unusual ease when pronouncing Ronkonkoma and Patchogue
-Has displayed sudden interest in pink track suits and large hoop earrings

Ms. Thompson checked into the hospital Friday afternoon for what she thought had been a malaria relapse. Unable to produce conclusive results, hospital administration released her the same evening.

However, symptoms grew more severe, and it appeared there was cause for worry and/or panic. Thinking it might actually be Lyme disease and hoping to take advantage of some 'sweet hookups,' Ms. Thompson telephoned Kaedi Garvin, Nurse Practitioner and long-time friend.

Although Ms. Thompson explained the purpose of her call was to "see what innovative treatments were out there for someone with her delicate condition," Ms. Garvin expressed concern that she was exhibiting unusual behavior even at that early stage. "She kept singing camp songs and talking about getting aggrivatin'."

When asked if she realized at the time that it may be Long Itis, Ms. Garvin replied, "I had no idea... most of my training was done online, and I've never actually spoken to a patient before. Actually hearing someone describe symptoms was foreign to me. I was used to having them displayed as emoticons." She advised Ms. Thompson to "definitely give Roy or Angelique a call."

In response to that medical advice, Ms. Thompson was rushed back to the hospital by her roommate, Corina Tanner. Sitting in the waiting room for 'a day and a night and a day,' Ms. Thompson's conditions grew steadily worse.

Christopher Beeman, who referred to himself as Ms. Thompson's "needs meeter," said he was "greatly" surprised by her condition when he paid her a visit on Sunday. "As a needs meeter I feel unqualified to make any kind of medical diagnosis. I will say however that if it hadn't been for all of the pep talks from Garrett I would have been ill prepared to deal with the conditions I found on my arrival."

"She would throw her peas at people or try unsuccessfully to smash them in-between her fingers. She also seemed to be hording fruit in the table drawer by her bed," said Mr. Beeman. According to hospital staff, there were 12 oranges, five bananas, and seven peaches stored in the lower drawer when Ms. Thompson transferred rooms. When it was suggested she bring them with her, she replied that no one loved her and that she wouldn't want the fruit to suffer as much as she has.

Carol Accord, Associate Press

Ms. Thompson, shown just days after her release from Bellevue Hospital, now finds it difficult to relate to "peers."

By Monday morning, Ms. Thompson was telling visitors that she had two artificial hips, due to falling into a ConEdison (man hole) after singing at the Apollo when she was 35. It was at this point that Dr. Kew ran a series of Saliva tests and reported that she is "very confident of the (Long Itis) diagnosis." "Of course there is always room for error. There is a small, I'd say 1-3 percent chance, that this is a rare mutation of BocaRaton Pox- Something I've only read about."

How did Ms. Thompson react to the diagnosis? Said Dr. Kew, "Her initial response was 'Oh that's wonduhful dear' obviously not understanding the severity of the situation. As my team councils with Ms. Thompson further, she is beginning to take a more serious approach to her recovery and has made it very clear she will not give up without a fight."

"She's taking a twice-daily dose of National Public Radio, in conjunction with a group therapy session titled- Monet and why we hate it. We've also placed a set of bongos in her recovery room hoping that as she begins to improve, she will learn to express herself, once again, through percussive means."

Drums or no drums, the community is reaching out in response to this bizarre medical condition. Rachael Crane Roddick, a counselor in Ms. Thompson's church group, emphasized that their religion "absolutely" supports a Long Island lifestyle. However, she admits to "not doing much" in terms of helping meet Ms. Thompson's "special" needs. Asked if she intended to inform her congregation of Ms. Thompson's actual condition, Ms. Roddick replied, "no. Isn't that your job?"

Friends and well-wishers, be warned. According to Dr. Kew, "this condition is highly contagious. As it is often difficult to self-diagnose give yourself this quick test : A dairy product usually spread onto toast is: 1) Butter 2) Buddah - If you chose 2, please consult your physician immediately."

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